This is going to be a really dry post.

I need a space to transfer my thoughts out, loud.

Many things had happened this few months. And I contributed to most of the happenings. I'm just gonna list down by categories and then elaborate more.

1. Family:

I am the only daughter/child in my immediate family. I have a dad and a mum who loves me, yet doesn't really show it. At the age of barely 10, my mum tried to throw me out of the house twice (I can't really rmb the reason being, but I was dragged out of the house by her), and at 10, I was being locked out of my own house, till my dad came home and let me in (and there was no cellphone back then nor do I have the house keys) I pretty much grow up hating my mum a lot, until one day, or some day, we just started talking more, and sharing more. And I begin to confide in her more. Ironically, after secondary school, I drift away from my dad, and we don't talk much. (Only till recently when I started working, I share office politics with him). And I am the eldest grandchildren in my mum's side, and I grow up closely under the care of my lovely grandmother and grandfather, and I won't deny that I love my grandma more than my parents. And I had no cousins until I was 6/7, and it's a huge age gap. And till now, I think I have a huge gap with my cousins. (And my other side cousins are all in malaysia.) So basically, my friends were closer than my cousins and I tweeted that before and caused my cousins to feel "bad" for leaving / outcasting me. (Bullsh*t) So, yes till today, I never really think they put me any where in their eyes, and I never really (dying) to hang out with them. And it becomes a huge problem between my dad and me, because I dread going back there. I could do so many things than hanging out with people who barely care about me at all. And he wants me to bond with them, but dad, they don't even care about me. When I don't understand cantonese, they spoke in cantonese! NOW THAT I UNDERSTOOD CANTONESE, they spoke in malay. Hello, this is mega outcast...And this has been an issue because I never told my dad about it because I didn't know how to put it across to him...and I really don't know how to handle this. Which is so frustrating!!! Hais, now I come home to a dad who doesn't wanna talk to me because he thinks i'm rude. So whatever. This is what my home has become. Basically I came back to a hdb house every night.. not a home anymore. 

2. Friends:

"Friends come and go. The one that stays is the one that glows"

Irony eh. This quote is from someone who I have just "let it go" because of various reasons. 

And I basically have screw things up and over and over again.

My friends are people who never initiates, never keep up, never keep in touch, never bothers. And it irritates me to the core.

My best friend thinks she's not obliged to reply my messages. And the rest of my friends don't even initiates chats anymore (screw you people who say I'm the one who don't bother. f**kers) And I have learnt that friends who say "i am here for you." don't necessary is there for you, because other than you (me i mean), they have tons of others friend to talk to, and (maybe I am just plain boring or what...) One day, the friends who were once there will not be there because they will have other commitments in life. Like family, etc etc. And I have 'deleted' friends from my life because they don't bother, and why should I? Yup, I don't want to be unimportant to people. So if you don't bother about me, then byebye it shall be.

3. Boyfriend:

These 1 year have been really a hell ride. I am battling with my insecurities and sometimes it makes me feel like giving up on my relationship so badly. Like, I just wanna be alone. Like alone. So I don't have to please people, nor people have to please me.

Yesterday we had a really long talk. (can't be bothered to really type it out here.)

But all I can say is, I might get damn angry and pissed, and wanna give up, but i won't. Because the love is great enough for me to hold on, and not move on. 

4. Financial/Work: 

 It's so saddening that sometimes I feel so underpaid. (Gonna revise about this in August)

Need to save money for house (*cough, dear son/daughter, please know your mummy give up on food for your nest ok), wedding(banquet/rom/rings/gowns/suits/photo), renovations. This is a 5 years plan..hoping to save enough to get married before 26. 

5. 21st birthday:

This is a super big problem. When I was 16, I was confidently planning everything in advanced so I won't be headache about all the choices and options. BUT F**K. After I cut people out from my life, my guestlist is so little that having a big venue will make it awkward. And the choice of my cake is another issue because f88k, alot of people wouldn't like my cake. And the theme is such a headache. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE WHAT I LOVE / but now it's turning to "accommodating people" Cannot have mickey/minnie theme because f88k it's 21st bday not 1st birthday later people judge. (everyone judge even if they say they won't tsk life lessons.) cannot have minions theme because ya, kiddish. Black and white like common + funeral like that (according to my mum/ ahma), red and blue (later people come in Chelsea jersey or man united jersey.) also weird, red and black (maybe but...99% will turn up black so kinda defeats the red...), blue and gold (later they come in all sorts of blue...but if I set navy blue they f88king tell me they got no navy blue... ARGHHH) so I was thinking of black and gold (but sure gold is gonna be neglected and everyone will be in black and I won't stand out for sure...) SEE this is so frustrating. -_- Nevermind I have like 5 months to plan... Theme most important actually. The rest will just flow as the themes go. :D Hopefully I can think of smth asap! 

6. Health, fitness:

Argh.. Stress makes me fat. Like really... People lose weight with stress, I gain weight instead. I am back on track to losing weight but I know I sure won't be able to go back to my uk8-10 in aug/sept.. because I cannot push myself too hard. I will be in recovery mode if I do HIIT all the time.. Haiss. This is bloody crazy. 

Things that I do (for now): 

- Japanese green tea everyday. (3 x 750 ml)

- Oatmeal for breakfast (sometimes others)

- Quit mutton / beef

- Snack on oatmeal bars/ beans chips

- Eat more vegetables than rice for dinner

- Choose water when outside

- Choose chicken/ fish over pork

- Cardio workouts then toning, or 10 mins HIIT.

Good luck to myself, and my body. (fats, time to go, really.)

*note to self*

White lies is still a lie. So it's okay if people don't forgive you. But lesson learn, some people is okay with white lies but some are not, because everyone is different.

- Never measure everyone the same way. 

- Giving up is not a choice, is running away from problems.

- Being honest is not always good.

I don't know how to fit into this society anymore.